When Trusting the Wrong Person Feels Safer Than Protecting Yourself: The Neuroscience of Financial Abuse in Divorce

Gabriella E. Martinelli, CDFA® CDS® NCMP®
Nov 4
8 min read

The Question That Changes Everything

There is a question that has shaped my entire career:

When did trusting someone else to "do right by you" become more important than protecting yourself?

I don't ask this to judge. I ask it because after more than twenty years working with business owners and physicians navigating high-net-worth divorce, I have seen what happens when fear becomes the one making the financial decisions, and the aftermath is heartbreaking.

Women who are smart. Women who are capable. Women who are educated and powerful in every other part of their lives… yet when it comes to the money in their marriage, they stay quiet. They look away. They hope things get better.

Not because they don't know something is wrong. But because they've been conditioned to believe that asking questions is dangerous.

The Reality: Financial Abuse Is Nearly Universal in Abusive Relationships

Research indicates that financial abuse occurs in 99% of domestic violence cases. Yet 78% of Americans don't recognize financial abuse as domestic violence.

This invisibility is intentional. Financial abuse doesn't always look like abuse at first.

Sometimes it looks like love. Sometimes it looks like protection.

It sounds like:

"I'm just better with money, let me handle it."
"Do you think I'd ever leave you with nothing?"
"Don't get paranoid — trust me."
"If you push this, that's what will ruin us."
"Everything is fine — unless you make it a problem."

The abuse may begin subtly and progress over time, sometimes appearing like love initially as abusers are masterful at manipulation. Common tactics include forbidding the victim to work, sabotaging employment opportunities, controlling how money is spent, not allowing access to bank accounts, and forcing the victim to write bad checks or file fraudulent tax returns.

And the consequences? Surveys of survivors reflect that concerns over their ability to provide financially for themselves and their children was one of the top reasons for staying in or returning to an abusive partner.

This is about survival — not choice.

The Paradox: Why the Survival Instinct Fails

Here is what most people don't understand: abuse literally hijacks the brain's survival mechanisms.

Trauma Bonding: When Your Brain Bonds to Danger

Survival is the foundation of human attachment, so when safety is threatened, we naturally turn to someone seen as a caregiver in our lives, someone who provides support, protection, and care. When this bonding occurs, oxytocin (often called the "love hormone") is released in our brains, furthering comfort and attachment with the caregiver.

But what happens when the caregiver IS the threat?

In adult relationships, when the person we regard as our significant other, the "caregiver," is also the one creating trauma by threatening our safety through abusive behavior, trauma bonds occur. Given that we are hard-wired from birth to turn to an attachment figure when threatened, we naturally turn to our romantic partners when abuse occurs, even if they are the ones who are being abusive to us.

This isn't weakness. This is primitive neurobiology.

Traumatic bonding emerges from primitive survival instincts that shape cognition of and emotional response to trauma. The abuser embodies the threat to life as well as the bequeather of life. To ensure survival the captive must deny the negative attributes of the captor and focus on their positive attributes and behavior.

The Biological "Surrender to Win" Strategy

Trauma bonding and Stockholm syndrome are survival techniques. Rather than place themselves in an escalating cycle of violence, victims consciously and unconsciously figure out ways to deescalate and resolve the conflict. In its most basic sense, this is seen as surrendering to win. The victim gives into the source of violence and aligns with it. In so doing, they feel protected by their perpetrator rather than hostile with them.

So when you ask "Why didn't she just leave?" or "Why didn't she protect herself?" — understand this:

Her brain was doing EXACTLY what evolution designed it to do: attach to the caregiver for survival.

The problem is, that caregiver is also the threat.

Fear as the Paralyzer: How Abuse Shuts Down Financial Decision-Making

The Neuroscience of Fear

Ongoing financial threats, combined with fear and trauma, erode a woman's belief in her own capacity to change her situation—leaving her trapped in helplessness and hopelessness.

Fear activates the amygdala, shutting down the prefrontal cortex — the part of the brain responsible for logic, long-term planning, and financial decision-making.

The brain begins to prioritize: "What keeps me safe TODAY?"

Not:

"What protects my future?"
"What do the numbers actually say?"
"What am I entitled to?"

Fear shrinks the world into one thought: Don't make things worse.

The Devastating Long-Term Impact

Economic abuse tactics such as coerced debt limit the economic resources and opportunities available to survivors, keeping them entrapped in the abusive relationship and at continued risk for violence. But the damage goes far deeper than numbers on a credit report.

Financial abuse steals your ability to build a future.

It destroys:

Your capacity to support yourself and your children
Your ability to secure housing, employment, or basic necessities
Your options for what comes next
Your belief that you can not just survive after divorce — but actually thrive

Studies found significant associations between economic abuse and a range of outcomes, such as mental and physical health, financial impacts, parent-child interactions, and quality of life.

When someone controls your access to money, they control your access to independence. They control whether you can imagine a life beyond the marriage. They control whether you believe you have any options at all.

And that's the point.

Financial abuse is not just about limiting money today. It is about making you believe you will never be okay without them.

Why Abuse Turns Divorce Into a Financial Ambush

When a woman is kept in the dark financially:

She doesn't know what the marital estate includes
She doesn't know what has disappeared
She doesn't know what she's entitled to
She doesn't know how to leave safely
She doesn't know what her future could actually look like

Meanwhile, the controlling spouse is often already:

✅ Meeting with attorneys

✅ Moving assets

✅ Manipulating perceptions

✅ Creating leverage

✅ Preparing for a fight she doesn't even know is coming

One person has clarity. The other has fear.

Guess who has the upper hand?

Two Women. Two Endings. One Defining Difference.

Let me be perfectly clear: These aren't just two women.

In my more than twenty years working inside high-net-worth divorce, I have witnessed dozens of versions of each. These two simply represent the most common paths:

Woman #1 — "I believed him"

She genuinely thought he was committed to fixing the marriage.

She even reached out to me — not to leave him — but to finally understand the finances and feel safer in her own life.

Two days later, he blindsided her with a separation proposal he had been preparing behind closed doors.

That should have been the moment she protected herself.

Instead, she chose to stay… without clarity.

She hoped love would fix what fear had already broken.

And by the time she needed answers, he had every advantage.

Love isn't what left her defenseless. Silence did.

Woman #2 — "I deserve to know the truth"

She was just as afraid. Just as hopeful that things could change.

But she realized something critical:

"I can fight for my marriage AND protect myself."

She chose information over fear.

She learned the truth about the money. She understood her rights. She built a plan.

And when she walked away, it was on her terms.

Same fear. Different ending.

The difference wasn't lack of fear. The difference was courage — the courage to seek clarity even when fear screamed at her to stay silent.

The Science of Financial Empowerment: How Knowledge Breaks the Cycle

Her i's what the research proves about financial literacy and empowerment for abuse survivors:

Financial Knowledge Restores Decision-Making Capacity

Economic empowerment includes an increase in financial literacy or the knowledge and skills to make sound financial decisions, an improvement in economic self-efficacy or the belief that one has the resources, options, and confidence to be successful, and an enhancement in economic self-sufficiency or economic behaviors that demonstrate their economic self-efficacy regarding personal financial management.

Financial literacy programs are effective in assisting survivors to improve their financial knowledge, increase their confidence about managing their financial affairs, and enhance financial behaviors that will improve their financial safety and security.

The Evidence Is Clear

A 14-month study found women who received financial curriculum significantly improved financial literacy, attitudes, intentions and behaviors and reported less financial strain than women who did not receive the training. On every single financial variable, women who received the training did significantly better over time.

Specifically, survivors who received financial education:

86% knew how to set financial goals (30% increase in identifying their own goals)
90% learned how to create a budget (31% increase in following it)
Experienced measurably less financial strain
Improved confidence in managing financial affairs

Financial Clarity Doesn't End Marriages — It Ends Control

Financial literacy can play a powerful role in helping survivors recover from domestic violence and might even help prevent abuse. Financial abuse is a distinct form of abuse that can be a precursor to other types of violence within relationships, and often physical violence isn't the first thing used.

When women gain financial understanding → fear decreases When fear decreases → the brain can make decisions again When decision-making returns → survival instinct comes back online

Clarity doesn't ruin marriages.

But lack of clarity destroys futures.

What Financial Empowerment Actually Looks Like in Practice

Programs addressing complex financial and safety challenges include how to disentangle joint financial relationships with an abusive partner, how to repair credit damaged by an abuser, or how to identify resources to assist with financial and safety challenges.

In my practice, this means:

The E.A.W. Divorce Strategy Framework™

EVALUATE — Understanding the complete marital estate

What actually exists (not what you've been told exists)
What's been hidden or moved
What you're entitled to under the law
What community property actually means in your situation

ANALYZE — Pressure-testing the numbers against reality

Running actual settlement scenarios
Understanding tax implications
Calculating true cash flow needs
Identifying manipulation vs. financial reality

WEAVE — Creating a strategy that protects you

Whether you're working on the marriage or preparing to leave
Building financial autonomy within the marriage if needed
Safety planning that includes financial preparedness
Ensuring you have options

This isn't about leaving. This is about having choices.

You can fight for your marriage AND protect yourself. You can hope things get better AND understand what's actually there. You can love someone AND refuse to stay financially blind.

Financial Fear Works Both Ways

Financial control and fear show up in divorce in ways that aren't always obvious. This blog focused on one of the most devastating patterns I see: when genuine abuse and trauma bonding make it nearly impossible for someone to protect themselves financially, even when they desperately need to.

But I also see another pattern that causes real harm: when one spouse makes financial demands that simply aren't grounded in reality - demanding assets that don't exist, income that can't be produced, or expecting the impossible. This creates a different kind of paralysis, where the other spouse feels bullied,

exhausted, and helpless to make the other person understand what's actually possible.

Both dynamics stem from fear. Both prevent good decision-making. Both need someone who can bring clarity to what's actually there.

In my next piece, I will address the other side of this coin - because understanding your financial reality matters regardless of which side you are on.

Ready to Understand Your Financial Reality?

If you are navigating divorce—whether you are trying to save your marriage or preparing to leave, financial clarity is the foundation for making decisions from a place of strength, not fear.

Schedule a confidential consultation →

About Me:

I am Gabriella E. Martinelli, CDFA® CDS® NCMP®, the founder at Ever After Wealth® and a Private Divorce Financial Strategist specializing in physician wealth protection. With over 21 years of experience identifying financial blind spots, I help high earners architect divorce strategies that protect their businesses, their wealth, and their futures.